Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know it's over when you start closing the door again when you pee

   I'm at my wife's company Christmas party and there is like zero pus sy here. I hate Christmas.

   Just because it's Friday the 13th doesn't mean anything, my luck sucks everyday so really today is no different.

   I love Instagram's new direct messaging feature because I've always thought, "If only this picture of someone's dinner was just for me."

   The whole idea of a drug free workplace is funny, isn't it? I mean the workplace is why I need drugs in the first place.

   You'd think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.

   Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.

   I don't want to have any cold that I didn't even get to have sex to catch.

   When I say I'm off the market, I mean I was recalled.

   Kanye West said he's the next Nelson Mandela, so when are they gonna bury him?

   Forgive me father, for I like sin.

   I don't think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.

   Don't forget to put zero effort into everything then complain how you never get anything you want today!

   I'm white, but I'm not 'buy a Christmas gift for the Mailman' white.

   I can't decided if I'd rather see him naked or on fire. Is that love?

   MTV has canceled teen mom 3, because they know when to pull out.

   I've fallen! And I can't reach my beer!!

   Finally I'm not being harassed by my family or coworkers for listening to Christmas Music. It was rough back in July.

   If you can sing Jingle Bells without jiggling your "gentleman's sausage" then you're way more mature than me.

   So Paul Walker was cremated... I hate to point out the obvious...