Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let's be honest,, At some point, you'd think there'd be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City's penitentiaries.

   Wouldn't it be cool if cell phones came with built-in tasers?

   Tasers, but for people who listen to Christmas music in October. Or talk before noon.

   I have a problem with alcohol. I don't get nearly enough of it.

   I separate women into two categories: 1. Women I would have sex with. 2. Dudes.

   Real men who care for, cherish and love a woman faithfully, deserve the butthole at least once..

   Does anybody else have a plastic bag full of other plastic bags in their house or is it just me???

   50 Shades of Grey - a book for people who don't normally read books or have sex.

   Just logged into Twitter instead of Facebook and I now feel like I shouted out the wrong name in bed.

   The scariest thing about dating is that you either break-up or get married.

   MANGOES (n): wherever woman goes.

   The secret to success is in my bra.

   The only drinking problem I have is, I DON'T have a drink !

   Guys: if you take your girl back after she cheats on you, you're a little b*tch.

   I don't try to annoy people; its just a gift.

   Well its December. Time to spend an hour putting up the Christmas tree and 16 hours fighting with the wife about it.

   If you think my jokes are bad, you should see my choice in women.

   It's hard to get positive here for Nelson Mandela jokes, I guess you all were born in South Africa!

   RIP Mandela. I watched and loved all your movies.

   What did the firefighter at Paul Walker's crime scene say first " Well Ladies & Gentlemen, Mr. Walker is still one of the hottest guys in Hollywood "