Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Went a week without taking a selfie. Where's my Medal of Honor, Obama?

   Every time my kids ask for help with their math homework, I play dead

   I'd insult your intelligence if you had any. Sadly, your stupidity has no boundaries.

   Of course I act my age. I'm old enough to buy alcohol, tobacco and fire arms.

   I'm 28 years old, but in marriage years, I'm dead on the inside.

   Hey guys if your girlfriend still has pics of her ex on there Facebook Your doomed they have not moved on

   That's great and all. But the question is, can you hold that yoga pose while I'm inside you?

   My ex posted a pic captioned, "Just me" and I commented, "Yes just you and your 7 personalities" Now I am deleted and blocked.

   To my unborn children,relax dad is still trying to figure out the best mum for you.You will not suck a TATOOed breast I promise you

   I only wish google could answer things like "what's the name of the lady seated next to me"

   Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it's given me another reason to stare.

   The Economist has calculated that the world is 52 trillion dollars in debt. Who on earth does the world owe? Jupiter?!!

   I feel like I'm currently in hell's waiting room.

   I can't tell them apart, was that Milli or Vanilli doing the sign language at Madela's funeral?

   Why do women like hockey more than men? Because it looks so much like vacuuming!

   I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster

   The snooze button, because there's nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.

   I always knew those people signing at major events were just fakes!!!

   Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.

   Anyone can sell things people eat. The Bay leaf salesman is a true salesman!!