Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want you and pizza. I'm so good at this romance sh*t.

   I'm also available in sober

   Grown men who post elf on a shelf photos have the same number of balls as that elf...

   I'm concerned that America will lose the next time we are invaded because this generation will be too busy staring at their phones to notice.

   Buys Mega-Millins ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.

   How to tell if your woman is mad at you; she tells you, " No! I'm fine!"

   If you insist on always looking on the bright side of things then you better have sunglasses on.

   *Buys Mega-Millions ticket, waits to be hit by a comet*

   Today a homeless man stuck a hand out at me and said 'spare change'His hand was empty, I think the pr!ck was teasing me, so I took his dog

   How to tell if a girls mad at you: 1. Shes telling you she's not mad at you.

   I don't get angry....I get drunk & plot.

   The only reason I talk to my family is because I know eventually I'm going to need a new liver. It's ironic because they're why I drink.

   I didn't say I hope you choke on your next meal. I said, I hope theres some reruns of Ally McBeal. Silly. -when adult rhymes save marriages

   No honey, I didn't invite you hiking just because you're fat, and bears will target you first. I also think you make great trail mix.

   If you can't be happy, at least you can be drunk.

   My parents think I'm bad, but if they saw how half my friends treat their parents, they'd appreciate me more.

   Kant Know Anything West aka Kanye West

   K. K .K members never turn their TVs off cuz they don't want the screen to be black

   I post political status on Facebook just to watch my friends battle each other like it's The Crips Vs Bloods...

   this fat free dinner taste like sadness!