Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you learn how to talk women into anal sex, you don't need to learn how to install a baby seat in a minivan.

   It's pretty presumptuous of lonely single women to just assume that a cat is going to want to be stuck with them forever don't you think?

   Either legalize weed or illegalize feelings

   Unless its your weeding day, nobody wants to see pics of you kissing all over their newsfeed.

   I see you have all behaved well during this year and for your present, Justin Bieber is going to retire from singing. - Yours Santa

   We're sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".

   My wife likes it when I call her during the day just say hi so I'm face-timing her from the mens room!

   I bet men with "Chest!cles" really hate singing ♪♫ "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."♪♫

   I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!

   9 out of 10 Status Updates sound more official if you simply add the phrase "9 out of 10".

   I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.

   A lot of people say they won't play the lottery unless it gets above $100 million. I guess $50 million isn't worth their trouble.

   Happy Friday Everyone!!! Hope you all have an awesome weeken... never mind

   There's a motion detector in my bedroom. It never goes off.

   The quickest way to a woman's heart, is through her rib cage.

   If Macaulay culkin in home alone would've tried or said half the stuff to his parents in my house that movie would've never aired

   Engage your brain before touch the keyboard

   It's sad how an animal like a dog shows more humanity than humans do.

   The cost of living has gone up so high that the chance of living it up- especially during the holidays- has gone way down.

   Do anti- Christian bashers use the internet slang "WTF"?