Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Talked to my ex yesterday for 10 minutes without beating the $ hit out of them. Where's my Nobel Peace Prize??

   What if the cure for cancer is in the mind of someone who cant afford an education?

   MB. If you're keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you're losing...

   If your keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you're losing...

   I am no longer swayed by numbers. I no longer trust figures. If there is one thing statistics have shown me its that we now have more idiots on this planet than normal folks. I refer you to number of people who follow Justin Bieber on twitter.

   When one door closes…you could just re-open it. Because that's how doors work, they open and close.

   Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie, romantic.....but do it on a bus and the judge doesn't agree.

   The voters in Dallas are pushing to have a proposition added to the next election adding term limits for someone to own or be the gm for the cowboys.

   Every family has a relative that they would prefer to keep hidden during the Holidays. If you think your family doesn't have one...Trust me it is YOU!

   Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got that restraining order.

   If websites had closing hours divorces, murder and pregnancy would double.

   They say women dress for women and undress for men, whereas I dress for my pets and undress for joggers.

   If you can read this, thank a teacher. Like right now. Break into their house and wake them up.

   My mom said were going on vacation somewhere in South Africa, she called it "Kanye West"

   Snow White is my favorite Disney movie about a man trying to hook up with a woman who just wants to sleep.

   My landlord is a very evil man, I'm going to call Kim Jong and tell him all about "My Uncle"

   This is the season for giving, so give generously whenever possible. Yes, I mean Oral.

   Tonight I've decided to put the bourban in suburban,

   Whenever I hear the Christmas song about "nuts roasting on an open fire" I cringed. My wife plays that song over and over when she's mad at me..... even if it's in July

   Told the owner of my company that I'm not coming in Monday because he has this new "Affluenza" and I don't want to catch it.