Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was going to buy you a Christmas gift, until I Got High!

   I was going to buy Christmas gifts from my lottery winnings, I was close I had one number, I guess you'll have to wait till next year!

   if anyone is still shopping for Christmas gifts, this week is "procrastinator's week"

   Ladies; there is a difference between being stingy/cheap and being broke.

   I'm sure the sale of duck calls to the gay community will be on the decline...

   Phil Robertson just learned the hard way that once you get sponsorships you can no longer express your opinion...unless your sponsors give you that opinion.

   The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for half an hour...

   Miami Heat are a big bunch of cry babies... LeBron is a douche. THEY SUCK!!

   Buying someone $1 lottery ticket as a gift and tell them ..."but what if you win".... and look at them light up, while hiding the fact giving them a dollar says they are not worth it!

   Why do people disect every word a pro athlete says? I'm pretty sure none of them are Rhode's Scholars...

   the motion detector in my bedroom is turned on and it never goes off.

   In a couple year I'm going to be one of those senior citizens that bites and urinates on people, I already do one of them....

   When the kids are bad this time of year, I tell them I just burned one of their presents. If they're really bad, I say it was the puppy.

   If you don't think it gets lonely at the North Pole, take into consideration that Santa named one of his reindeer 'Vixen'.

   Our first child came at the end of the month so we named him Bill.

   If you learn how to talk women into anal sex, you don't need to learn how to install a baby seat in a minivan.

   It's pretty presumptuous of lonely single women to just assume that a cat is going to want to be stuck with them forever don't you think?

   Either legalize weed or illegalize feelings

   Unless its your weeding day, nobody wants to see pics of you kissing all over their newsfeed.

   I see you have all behaved well during this year and for your present, Justin Bieber is going to retire from singing. - Yours Santa