Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison

   If you don't want to know what a 67 year old man from backwoods Louisiana thinks, maybe you shouldn't ask him.

   Sex is great, but.....HAVE YOU EVER HAD STUFFED CRUST PIZZA?!?!

   just heard that in order to show no hard feelings, Phil has ordered the staff at Duck Commander to increase production of p3n!s shaped duck calls.

   pregnant chicks get on the bus and think you suppose to give them your seat like b@tch you should of fcked a niqqa with a car

   I just heard that in order to show no hard feelings, Phil has ordered the staff at Duck Commander to increase production of pink duck calls by 25%!! What a guy...

   Kanye West knew it was love at first sight the moment gazed deeply into Kim Kardashian's big brown mirrored sunglasses.

   I don't censor my opinions for anyone!

   Some people call me insensitive, but that's not true. I have an emotion: I feel sorry for the millions of pathetic losers who walk around like sheep waiting to be shorn.

   Son why did you draw a dinosaur with a machine gun? First off, they can't shoot guns. And secondly, This rules,,, I'm calling the museum

   I miss you like Michael J Fox misses soup

   my brain has too many tabs open.

   When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?

   Please do not mistake my civility for affection or sympathy- I am just as courteous when I shoot you between the eyes as when I tolerate smalltalk with you.

   This just in: North Korea has sent a fax to threaten Seoul 'mercilessly without notice.' Bet Seoul is really scared -- back in 1982.

   Should I get a puppy, or have a child? Well, I would rather ruin my carpet, than ruin my life.

   I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.

   There are countless horrible things happening all over the world and horrible people prospering, but we must never allow them to disturb our equanimity or deflect us from our sacred duty to sabotage and annoy them whenever possible.

   I just pitched A&E Network on a show. A Jevvish spinoff on Duck Dynasty. Schmuck Dynasty. Too soon?

   Sorry I peed on your baby, but in my defense he started it.