Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cougar sightings in my neighborhood over the past couple days... I'm going to lay out a trap in my yard with Journey's 'Greatest Hits' and a nice cabernet.

   The average age of the viewing audience of "A Charlie Brown Christmas" is probably 35-45 years old.

   Do you think in Heaven there is going to be a "White" Christian caucus? A "Black" Christian club? Think again. When we leave this earth, we leave this physical body behind which includes your skin color.

   I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors.

   Have you noticed that it's only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......

   You know it was a good christmas party when the next morning you wake up with tinsel in your ass.

   JOHN 12:49 - For I did not speak of my own ACCORD. Translation - Jesus drove a HONDA but he did not boast about it.

   I don't know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beer.

   Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP,,, until you have something someone else needs

   Memo from Santa: Due to the rising cost of coal, this year people on the naughty list will be receiving Nickelback CDs.

   500,000 people signed up for Obamacare and the McRib is back... You do the math.

   I went to Jared for my girlfriend's Christmas gift. I'm sure she will love her Subway gift card.

   May the fleas of 1000 camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch it.

   I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.

   Most places claiming to have Real New York Pizza usually don't. It's more like: "Real Upstate New York Pizza."

   May the sweat of a billion camels invade your crouch and armpits and the smell of a million skunks invade your breath!

   In 1984 I was 10 and burried a time capsule to be opened on new years day 2014....Well the day is almost here and I am so excited to see how big my puppy has gotten

   I'm offering a cyber bullying self-defense course at the YMCA where we aggressively close browser windows and switch computers off

   Been almost ten years single. A friend asked if I masturbated a lot. I said no, I don't want to get dust all over the place.

   A joyous Festivus to all! May your strength prevail and grievances be few.