Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why isn't there a "media bullying"?.....oh thats right, because the media bullies people *smacks forehead*

   It seems like I can have any woman I DON'T want.

   Well if you didn't want alcohol at your one year sobriety party...shouldn't have invited me!

   Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product

   Here's a little fact to brighten up your Sunday. Warren Buffet made $37 million in 2013. Per day...

   What channel is the Cowboy game on? I want to watch it with my dog to teach her how to roll over and play dead.

   Buying cocaine off some guy named Jesus is about as religious as I get.

   Bound-up. Can't drop a deuce. Damn you cheese.....

   Got banned from bookstore AGAIN this weekend for moving "CAUTION: WET FLOOR" sign to the erotic aisle.

   If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...

   Miracle birth AND resurrection! Making Frosty the Snowman my personal savior.

   If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

   Quick question: Is it okay if I actually like people I sometimes disagree with? Just wanted to check since I don't see it very often anymore

   Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.

   It's about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing any role in society.

   Its about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing a role in society.

   The way that people always talk how they wouldn't do it has convinced me that there is a lot of touching things with ten foot poles that we don't know about.

   The media praised Oprah for being humble when compared to other celebrities because she has no "selfies" on Twitter. Apparently the Media has yet to notice that the cover model for "O Magazine" is always the same darn person.

   Its about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from Social Media.

   There's something incredibly beautiful about a woman that doesn't realize she's incredibly beautiful.