Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're country if you went mistletoe shooting as a kid.

   Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

   Well it's almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!

   Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything

   The only reason I'd yell at you, is to get me another beer.

   There are 364 days until Christmas and I already have my Christmas lights up and my Wife call's me a Procrastinator.

   The bartender just brought me a glass of water....seriously? I didn't come to a bar to get sober!

   Women only! - 1st rule of Right Club.

   We had a war on drugs, there were more drugs, war on terror and more terrorist, so for 2014 we need to have a war on money and jobs, it can't hurt!

   I will try anything once, but I won't try that. Meatloaf at a salad bar, probably.

   Forgiveness is the best gift you can give, unless pizza is involved, then pizza is the best gift.

   Be sure to always chase your dreams, with as much alcohol as you can buy.

   Dude if she was my girlfriends I would probably be drunk all the time too.

   Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

   Why drown in love, when you can swim in lust ?

   There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.

   Caffeine is the foundation of my food pyramid.

   The sugar high of fun dip started to not be enough. This time I added adderal to the bag. I'll let you know how it goes. 

   Ya'll are welcome to try and seize the day... I gave it a whirl, but the damn thing bit me.

   If miley cyrus and justin beiber were drowning, and you could only save one........ What kind of sandwich would you make?