Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well, the people outside are frightful. And the traffic, is far from delightful. (blocking my intersection) since they got no place to go. people blow people blow people blow...

   Some days, you just gotta remind yourself "Stab'em below the waist and it's only assault, NOT attempted murder."

   I’m white but not “I like to watch golf” white.

   Women close their eyes during sëx because they can't stand to see a man having a good time.

   I'm glad that money you didn't know you had can survive the wash and dry cycle

   My cat and I vomited together last night. I think I'm some kind of animal whisperer.

   What about female suicide bombers? Do they also get virgins?

   When Kanye West blows out candles on a birthday cake he wishes it was his birthday, instead of whoever's party he's at.

   I only takeSTD test in jail. I like all my bad news atone time

   Holidays are way too commercialized now a days. Please keep in mind the true meaning of Christmas while and your loved ones put up Christmas lights that are currently 75% off at Walmart!!

   My dog ate your Elf on the Shelf.

   Ah, come on! It's Christmas Eve! I could be home right now, drinking this *monster* eggnog my brother makes with lighter fluid.

   Twas the morning before Christmas & all across Facebook, friends awake, houses aglitter. Coffee in hand pondering this day & the things that matter.....

   ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ I'm Dreaming Of A White Isthmus ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ .....(Hey what can I say, I have a thing for snow covered narrow strips of land connecting two larger land areas.)

   I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.

   I think premature male baldness should be the next race card..

   The way my kids freak out on Christmas morning, that's the way I feel right before I open my breakfast beer!

   The neighbor kid said "my dad and beat up your dad" and my kid didn't argue the point. FML.

   That age when you drop a coin on the floor and anything smaller than a quarter isn't worth the effort to lean over and pick up.

   I really hope that I don't get another sweater for Christmas. I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer.