Funny Status Messages

   Her: He’s probably thinking about other girls. Him: Ahhhhh…French Vanilla Rocky Road! Chocolate, Peanut Butter, Cookie Dough! Scoop, there it is! Scoop, there it is! Scoop, there it is! Annnnnnnd…. SPRINKLES!

   Regular unleaded: Willie Nelson, Plus unleaded: Snoop Dog, Supreme unleaded: Hunter Biden

   An old-fashioned candy necklace, but with tums and ibuprofen.

   NOTHING PERSONAL, BUT IF I SEE SOMEONE WEARING A WWE WRESTLING SHIRT, I AUTOMATICALLY DEDUCT 50 IQ POINTS .

   We see that it's the same person that posted 20 post I a row andpost and liked it 5 times in a row and like everyone they posted 5 times just to get a like..

   4 o’clock and all is Welp.

   Was stung by a bee, guess what happened? That’s right, a Welp.

   Generic Viagra. Same medicine at a lower price. No bones about it.

   Do you remember Jan. 6th last year? Yeah, 2.19 a gallon.

   Al Capone did less damage to Chicago than Lori Lightfoot.

   My girlfriend just told me to not let her buy anything at the mall, which is kind of like when a werewolf asks you to chain them to a tree on the night of a full moon.

   Lumber shortage, worker shortage, gas shortage, rubber shortage… You know what we don’t have a shortage of right now? Idiots.

   Everything hits different when you’re not supposed to be doing it.

   If a bag is not resealable, it contains one serving.

   If I’m ever killed by a mountain lion, my last words were probably, “here kitty, kitty.”

   “I believe everything they say.” They’ve been wrong about literally everything so far. “I still believe everything they say.”

   We’re not drilling for oil here because of “global warming.” But, we’re going to let someone else drill the same amount of oil somewhere else and burn even more oil to get it here. Brilliant.

   We’re churning out a generation of poorly educated people with no skill, no ambition, no guidance, and no realistic expectations of what it means to go to work.

   I have come to the conclusion I will never achieve my dream of being a Soul Train dancer...

   I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties. I now sneak out of parties to go to my house.