Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   did anyone else besides me use a brown marker to draw nipples on the neighborhood girls Barbies when they were kids?

   I really like what you've done with your crazy.

   Are Tyler Perry movies some kind of punishment for slavery?

   I don't mean to denigrate women. (Ladies, "denigrate" means to put-down or patronize.)

   Apparently even the word n ipple is flagged on h ere.

   You don't look as dumb as you sound though. At least you have that going on for you.

   Every time you make a typo the errorists win.

   Given the choice between a woman and weed… always choose the woman with a weed.

   If you have feelings for me, that's your problem not mine.

   While chasing flies in my kitchen with a fly swatter, I have come to realise that some flies are more clever than some humans I know.

   If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you

   Bought $90 worth of groceries and checker wanted to know if I needed a bag:( No, I'll just eat them here, thanks!

   I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

   I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.

   Nothing turns me on more than a pic of your boobs with your wedding ring hand holding up your shirt.

   Your wedding day will be the last time you agree on anything. When you both say "I do".

   I would punch your personality if it was possible. But your face will do.

   A girl in yoga pants not talking on the phone. Hope she's ok.

   Wanted to take the trash out tonight but she said she wasn't feeling well.

   I hate it when people call me sexist. Some of my closest friends belong in the kitchen.