Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues

   Anything that ends up in my backseat should accept that it will be there forever

   It's so cold out the Town Flasher was caught describing himself to women.

   I feel like a slice of butter, meltin on a big ol' pile of flapjacks!

   I remember back when the media didn't have to invent names like "polar vortex" to tell us that it is cold during winter...

   Ecigs are like silent farts.. we still know you are doing it.

   "FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!" - Mother Nature

   I found chocolate in the couch. No,I don't know how long it's been there. Yes,I ate it.

   During filming of an episode of 'Happy Days' in 1976, The Fonz had a stroke causing him to say "Eyyyyyyyy" for 4 months straight.

   Everybody is complaining about the weather. I'm complaining about a cold toilet seat.

   Where's Heat Miser when you need him?

   That's about as pointless as warming up hot sauce in the microwave.

   Remember last week when I said I couldn’t wait for all the Christmas candy to be gone? Well, I lied…

   I'm impressed with how much passive aggression a woman can pack into the letter "k."

   I cut my thunb and am texting with my index finger. Can I get one of those special license plates?

   I'm not really interested in a one-night stand. An hour, two tops, will suffice.

   The Polar Vortex was caused by my wife's feet.

   Just because I'm not in a good mood doesn't mean I don't want sex

   My motto is: I can stay awake when I'm dead.

   Nothing starts your day on the wrong foot like cutting your shower short to drop a duece...