Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Looks like Southwest Airlines needs to install a GPS Tomtom in the planes so their pilots don't get lost.

   Come one Southwest Airlines...either train your pilots how to navigate a plane well enough to land at the right airport or allow the pilot's wife to ride along so she can make sure he doesn't land a jumbo jet at a small county airport.

   Why is that every time I visit someone, I have to take a dump, and their bathroom is right there near where everyone is sitting and I'm about to expel what will sound like a 21 gun salute at Niagara Falls.

   When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

   Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders

   Manning Brady Manning Brady Manning Brady Manning Brady Manning Brady Manning Brady There, now you don't need to watch ESPN this week.

   Watching the Golden Globes tonight. I root for whichever actress is showing the most cleavage.

   The main reason they thought Manti Te'o suffered a concussion, when he came to the sidelines he said he saw his girlfriend.

   Florida residents should be grateful for two things: Jersey Shore and NJ Governor Christie. Between them both, they've catapulted New Jersey to the #1 spot in the "Stupidest State in The USA" competition.

   The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper..

   I don't know if anyone ever does anything as much as LL Cool J licks his lips.

   So do you think in the future we will see marijuana commercials on TV? It might bring back the slogan "This bud's for you".

   I shall only address vegan lesbians as "salad fingers"from now on.

   If I ever decide I do not want to get on facebook I'm not going to delete my account.. What I will do is see if I can get all my friends and family to delete and block me before facebook deletes my account for me

   Back in the day when I was attracted to a girl I never had enough guts to ask her out. Now with Facebook I am suppose to be confident enough to poke her? #singleforever

   All those exercise videos are worthless, I bought and watch them over and over and not lost one lb

   The biggest difference between mistletoe and camel toe is the length of the kiss.

   Of course J-Lo can act, she's been pretending she can sing for years now.

   The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.

   Back in the day I was attracted to this chick but never had enough guts to ask her out but after witnessing first hand the drama she creates on Facebook I am glad I dodged that bullet.