Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry but I need a moment to myself guys. The girl I have been stalking but too chicken sh*t to ask out has just changed her relationship status to "in a relationship"

   For once in my life, I like to push a cart in Walmart, let it go and roll for at least two feet straight WITHOUT fu¢king turning left on its own.

   That's a lovely shade of Instagram you're wearing

   it's not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, who is poor

   Bananas don't go back once they go black either.

   So let me get this straight -- somewhere a huge NSA data center is storing untold terabytes of data with text like "lol my cat just did a funny" and "u looking good gf"

   BREAKING: NY Jets trade Kellen Winslow for Pee Wee Herman...

   If Kellen Winslow offers to bring you Boston Market, say NO!

   Gas prices are so high I just saw 12 Mexicans on one skateboard!

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers,,, You'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

   █████ government ███ is ███ your █ friend ████. Trust ██ us ███ to ██████████ know ██ ████ what's ██ best ████ for ██████████ you ██.

   I think instead of doing laundry I'm just going to buy a second hamper...

   I thought the new $100 bill was new... Turns out I've just been broke since they came out

   I stopped trusting you when you offered me a decaf coffee.

   Most relationships are like Rick Ross, they don't work out.

   Animals that walk on two legs like humans should wear underwear.

   why the hell are toilets so loud in the middle of the night waking everybody in the damn house?

   I formally apologize to anyone who knew me way back when I was a teenager.

   Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.

   Keep your feelings away from me.