Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   By the way, that gluten-free muffin you just enjoyed? I lied...it is absolutely TEEMING with glutens!,,,,, HAHAHAHA! Goodbye, Mr. Bond.

   "I have decided to stick to love... Hate is too much of a burden to bear" - Martin Luther King jnr

   Me "Hey honey, I got hurt at work, Donna brought me to the hospital and the Doctors are trying to save my leg." Her "Who's Donna??"

   The only time its acceptable for a girl 2 spit is if its into another girls mouth

   If she watches trash tv that's how her personality is too

   My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I'm pretty damn excited.

   Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.

   Mus in the 60s, orange in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s... * the history of tang

   I always have skis mounted on the roof of my car just in case I flip it and land in the snow.

   Usually when I drink too much I start feeling like the world revolves around me.....really fast and for. Mon

   In honor on MLK I'm eating Oreos

   users please proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

   We will fight to the death for our pacifist aims

   I'm not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn't looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.

   Genie: Thank you for freeing me,, I will grant you 3 wishes, what is your first?.. Me: more wishes!.. Genie: A genie can only grant 3 wishes... Me: Well then, more genies!!.. Genie: Aww, crap

   OMG you guys!. I Almost hit a jogger while I was taking a selfie and driving today... So please you guys, be careful,,, do NOT jog.

   Canada send us Justin beiber, we send Dennis Rodman to Korea, Korea send Gungnam Psy to The world.....just funny how the world works

   adding "Clinical studies have shown" to your sentences makes you sound more intelligent.

   When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music, but when I do it I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot"

   What happens when you eat pizza everyday for every meal? Asking for a ninja turtle.