Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's a sick world where Paul Walker can die in an auto accident and Bieber walk away with a bad singing career... and breathing.

   Ladies, instead of asking, “Do these jeans make my ass look big?” you should ask, “Does this fat make my jeans look big?”

   Day 88: I am thankful for my joke site. Without it I wouldn't be nearly as amusing on Facebook.

   I wonder if 3D printers print cookies? Because if they can't then they are useless...

   I'm not giving any more money to the homeless. They're just going to spend it on cardboard and Sharpie's!

   Excuse me but my Brain Has Too Many Tabs Open right now.

   Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.

   there is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot

   keep your friends close, your shotgun closer.

   Justin Bieber was drunken driving in Florida? Where is George Zimmerman when you need him!

   When Rihanna first started singing she was like yee mista dj song pon de replay, now she's like f*ck me with a shovel and slap my ti%ties

   “cannot connect to network. try resetting your wireless router” umm ok but what if my router is in my neighbor’s house? Should I call him?

   Why isn’t the movie ‘What Women Want’ just 90 minutes of Ryan Gosling doing an ab workout on a pile of Nutella and money?

   I’m going to Hell. Anybody want anything?

   Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too 'cause he was g@y

   Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man, "What have you got there?" Said the pie man unto Simon, "Pies, you Dumba$$".

   Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread.

   I only buy comforter sets that have white spots in the pattern

   Justin Bieber got arrested. His Blood levels showed Alcohol, Marijuana, and large amounts of Flintstones Chewable vitamins.

   i am the kind of guy that likes to turn a woman on with a sexy dance.. Dances like "The Cabbage Patch" and "The Roger Rabbit", trust me it gets them wet... Normally wet from tears because they are laughing so hard but wet is wet...