Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your wife is so fat, when she runs she makes the mp3 player skip... at the radio station.

   Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?

   iPhone 6 will be wider, but at my age, I'll tap anything...

   I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.

   I love you so much that if I had to choose between the last bottle of vodka in the world and you, I would make a toast in your honor.

   When at a club & a really huge guy smacks your girl’s ass, ask her before she asks you “are you just going to let that guy smack your ass?”

   From the outside everyone looks like a nice person, try living with them for a week and see who they really are.

   BREAKING NEWS: It snows during winter time.

   Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might actually just be thirsty.. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

   I think it's important to have a fitness plan you can actually stick to, which is precisely why mine is to become shipwrecked.

   Stuck in a meeting? Just start yelling Omaha! Then grab your papers and run out of there.

   I suggest FB replace the "Like" button with "OMAHA!!"

   Usually when I drink too much I start feeling like the world revolves around me.....really fast....usally while lying in bed.

   I told my wife she just needed to embrace her mistakes. She wept softly...and then hugged me.

   "I have a dream" - Martin Luther King jr "I have a drone" - Barrack Hussein Obama

   Nice cowgirl boots. I bet you do alot of Ranchy stuff in those Hollister jeans!

   My wife has PMS and i'm stuck in the house with her. It's the Kotex Vortex!!

   "Careful, there's dog poop on the dance floor." - how ballet was invented.

   Sometimes, I just want to sitoutside with someone and talk allnight

   I haven't had a complete stranger high five or wave at me in a really long time. Time to put on a Nutella costume and walk through the Mall again.