Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You're attachment is too large," my computer tells me. I blush. "My eyes are up here," I respond coyly.

   Accidently sent a naked pic to everyone in my address book. Cost me a fortune in postage!

   I use Google Earth to see which yards have milkshakes.

   I am woman, hear me Blah, Blah, Blah.

   Women who say the quickest way to a mans heart is through his stomach hasn't seen his browser history.

   My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.

   AUTOCORRECT, but for making boring jokes funny.

   The excitement of getting to the office first and wondering how many things I can rub my balls on before someone else gets here. That.

   I hate when the whole Internet mourns someone’s death & I have to Google them to find out if they were a politician, an athlete or a Muppet.

   People who post stuff like, "I am so angry right now", "I am bored" or "I am eating supper" what exactly do they expect us to do with this information? Are we suppose to care or something? What's the correct etiquette here?

   Yeah I would delete all the irrelevant sh*t so that my readers would not have to be exposed to it.

   If people would just drive the Speed Limit, then I don't have to reach for my gun!

   If they blackl isted all of the IP addresses that p ost useless sh*t there wouldn't be anything here.

   Blackl ist IP addresses that p ost useless sh*t

   Nothing screams stalker like a total stranger sending you a friend request from a brand new FB account with 7 friends and none mutual.

   I think Old Man Winter & Mother Nature need to have a few drinks and make a little Spring.

   I would like to see a soccer player play real football and a real football player play soccer and see who cries first.

   nuke post is just a troll. quit buying in to it

   America is the greatest country on Earth and we'll nuke the $hit out of anyone who says otherwise.

   I blame this winter weather on Idina Menzel.....