Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Side chicks are always more excited about Valentine's Day than everyone else because for them, its as close as they will ever get to a wedding.

   If you want to bore your friends to death, this is the right place to get your material.

   Might as well change name to Boring S tatus Messages for F acebook.

   Roses are red Nuts are round Skirts are up Panties are down Belly To Belly Skin to Skin When its Stiff Stick It In

   Almost went to jail today, scared the crap out of me. I don't care who you are, monopoly can get pretty intense.

   My boyfriend is such a treasure, I just want to bury him.

   I suck at creating endings in Essays.. "and they lived happily ever after" is over done, and apparently "seacreast out" is unacceptable.

   My 6 year old gave my 1 year old then run down on Halloween. She said, " When we get to the door you have to say trick-or-treat.. that means please in Halloween."

   Alot of people cry when they chop onions.. The trick is to not form an emotional bond.

   I made a knock off Mcy D's Chicken ranch snack wrap. I threw it together in a hurry, used the nastiest lettce I could find, threw 1/2 of my chickn tender away, & then I closed my eyes & pickd a random condiment out of the fridge. Just like the real thing.

   Nothing says I'm the boss while driving like the horn in a foreign car.

   Actually, when I asked if my hangover could get any worse, it was more of a rhetorical question than a challenge

   Just farted myself out of a dead nap, so yeah, you could say I've got sexual dynamo on lockdown!

   No more cigarettes at CVS. Sorry, smokers. Still shelves and shelves of candy though. Chin up, diabetics.

   I love the Internet. Back in the old days, we had no idea how many ignorant people there are out there. Now, we've got a datapoint.

   A skeleton walks into a bar.He ordered a beer & a mop.

   How the heck are eggs full of cholesterol but chickens aren't?

   I just watched the "Times for the Seasons" video, glamour sexy hot chicks from the 60s, the realized they're now either past 80 or dead. ENJOY LIFE GUYS! its over soon

   My FB movie is just 10 years of life kicking my in the balls...

   The Olympics start tomorrow...or should we refer to it as The Hunger Games? Rabid Dogs running loose, Water not fit to drink, corrupt politicians, Security threats, Just surviving will get you a Gold Medal