Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I'm going to take my christmas tree down today.

   Too many snakes and not enough ladders these days

   Circus Peanuts, Little Debbie jelly rolls and all the ingredients for meth.

   CVS is no longer selling cigarettes. They say, "It's the right thing to do for our customers and our company in their path for better health." I go to CVS all the time. If they want to promote better health, maybe they should stop selling Cheese Whiz, Cir

   Yesterday, Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea admitted the band faked playing during the Super Bowl. In his defense, so did the Broncos.

   The games haven't even started yet and already there are people complaining about the horrible accommodations at the Sochi Olympic village. Toilets don't flush. The faucets spew discolored water. They say it's like being on a Royal Caribbean cruise.

   My Facebook movie got a X rating...apparently Face Book is way more into my X then ME!

   How long does someone have to be in a coma before you can eat their fries?

   Sorry that changing your hairstyle dramatically didn't fix your life

   I like to punish people who ask me how I'm doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.

   Does anyone know when Facebook is sending out our W2's?

   Spoiler Alert: Phillip Seymore Hoffman dies at the end of his Facebook movie.

   Ok now the people answerring the idiot are pissing me off!

   Women should just shut up and listen to and do what men say!!

   this is just not the place anymore, I'm gonna go pop some pop corn and go watch the movies on facebook!

   If she's special you have to send her a text message to ensure she made it safely to her destination this morning.

   Ignore him and he will go away, simple solution

   I heard it's no bread, no head. Well ladies, I just picked a loaf up!

   You don't have to be a proctologist to know an @$$h0le when you see one.

   What time does the funny stuff start around here? I can come back…