lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   500 years ago when men went to war it was common for them to force their wives to wear chastity belts while they were away.Therfore only a locksmith could remove these chastity belts. This explains why 'Smith' is the most common name in the phonebook...

   If you think things improve with age, attend a class reunion.

   If you work for British Airways & have been on strike this week, next time you see a soldier/airman/sailor who's returned from Operations in Afghanistan make sure you tell him/her about your awful working conditions, poor uniform & low pay. Good luck.

   Today, I went to meet a girl I met on facebook. When I met her, I was shocked to see that her actual appearance didn't match that of her facebook pic. The words "Stock Photo" weren't even written on her Forehead.

   I wish the government would takeover all the Farmville land and sell it off Facebook to pay down the national debt

   Mother rabbit to baby bunny: "A magician pulled you out of a hat. Now stop asking questions."

   I like to go up to people playing Solitaire and ask "Who's winning?"

   According to a new report,women who have had breast implants get spells of dizziness,blurred vision & slurred speech. This is because of the amount of alcohol bought for them.

   When the Chinese teach their babies to eat with chopsticks,do they start them off with toothpicks?

   Sometimes I think I'm a genius. Then I realize I've already seen this episode of Jeopardy.

   ..thinks having bags under your eyes is no big deal. It's finding the shoes to match is the real problem!

   My baby just did something so smart that I'm thinking of ordering a maternity test

   Hamsters are really stupid, but, I'm the girl spending money to keep one housed and fed, so, there you go.

   Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.

   If I had a nickel for every time I've misplaced my keys, there'd be a jarful of money I would also have to look for.

   Well, I see no one turned up for the first day of ninja school... Or did they?

   If God meant me to be naked, he would have made my skin fit better.

   I'm no psychologist, but I'm pretty sure the only way to alleviate the guilt of eating a peanut butter cup is by eating 15 more.

   A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking. A wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

   Recently, my Visa card was stolen. Now, it's 'everywhere I want to be'.