Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hit "<BACK" one too many times on the Red Box machine. Now it wants to know if I want my selections on VHS or BETAMAX.

   I'm not funny, but I'm so stupid

   If a woman ever calls you a "goofball", don't take it the wrong way. What they are actually saying to you is, "You are SO getting laid."

   If nothing else, at least his persistence is funny.

   “I want to see my lawyer” - grilled chicken

   Went to the club. They played The Twist. I twisted. They played Jump. I jumped. They played Come On Eileen. I got arrested.

   Funny how the russians are so anti gay, yet they got a metal in mens figure skating

   I went out clubbing last night. I got 5 baby seals. A new personal record.

   Colorado has legalized both marijuana and gay marriage. Leviticus 20:13 says "If a man lies with a man as he would with a woman, they should both be stoned." Wow! I've been reading it wrong all this time.

   Beetles, Beatles same diff

   Stupid toothless brits

   The Beatles suck!

   Don't care about Beetles...But yes, LOVE every Beatles song! P.S. learn to spell before you try to Dish someone...

   Does anybody even really care about the Beetles?

   USA is a heavy favorite to take gold in Team Trwerking at the Olympics.

   I was watching a tutorial on youtube about how to sleep but it was so boring that I fell asleep

   Looks like Tony Gonzalez is the new Brett Favre.

   This bottle of whiskey and I are gonna need a safe word tonight.

   Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

   Wife: Why do you always have your eyes closed when we have sex? Husband: So I don’t lose my erection?