Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coke Zero is the only soft drink named after the number of times I've tried it

   I swear some women are more psyched about GETTING married than BEING married

   When I was young I was taught to fear and hate the devil. Now that I'm older and know better, I'd like to get high and have a beer with him.

   In spite of world wide outrage, I'd bet if Copenhagen Zoo sold tickets and pay per view the next time they feed a giraffe to a lion, it will be their biggest sell out event of all time.

   I enjoy long romantic walks to my liquor cabinet.

   Today was a bad day, first my ex was ran over by a bus, then I was fired from my job as a bus driver...

   Just because you call your kid an angel doesn't mean he is one. Lucifer was an angel too.

   If anyone asks, I'm drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

   McDonalds sponsoring the Olympics is akin to Trojan sponsoring Vatican events.

   I just hope my stalker doesn't tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.

   Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, but now my boss is coming back from Costa Rica a day early.

   I don't wanna brag but I'm getting pretty good at boiling water.

   I'll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That's what this paper says.

   When someone say's.. Living the american dream. I picture... Them with a large pizza, on their lap. While dipping fries into a frosty.

   I was raised Catholic, so yeah I'm familiar with being molested

   When I said your were an angel, I meant Lucifer.

   It's not about the chase, it's about the kill

   You make me want to stop wearing the same jeans 3 days in a row.

   In Kanyes defense, you would be an a$$hole too if you had to hang out with Kanye all the time.

   if she says 'ew' when you ask if you can have sex at least she didn't say no