Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   LOOKING to hire someone full-time to take pictures of my food. Private message me if interested.

   A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.

   I can't wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high on Ebay.

   My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.

   As is the below me

   TV a silent weapon. It's the downfall ofsociety as we know it.

   I don't think my Neighbor's wife watches porn, I have been cleaning her pool for 3 hours now and she still hasn't invited me inside :/

   So, Some Congressmen want to force the Redskins to change their name?  They are just upset because their last decent season was 1491, the year before Columbus discovered America...

   If prisons let prisoners take their own mugshots, would they be called cellfies?

   I farted on my wallet, now I have gas money.

   I asked a lazy fellatio artist how her day went, she said (it kinda sucked)

   When is "White History" month?

   I flipped over to the History Channel, but that was in the past.

   if you don't like to cry to your woes tomorrow, don't laugh at someone's misery today.

   I'm a real down-to-earth kind of guy. Because, you know, gravity.

   my Facebook fans are waiting on a funny.... Come on people get with it.

   I spent so many years being wrong and not knowing it. Thankfully I got married so now I am fully aware that I have never, ever been right.

   Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that sh*t quick.

   Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn't hear you the first 100 times.

   Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as "really nice" people. Who else is a "really nice" neighbor? Canada. I'm just sayin'