Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".

   I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in

   Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone. And if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.

   Will there soon be an onslaught of Shirley Temple quotes like the Tupac and Marilyn Monroe quotes on facebook? I want to get in the game early and keep my edge

   Note to self: Next time, don't use "continue" as the Safe Word.

   Some people solely exist to test your patience and self-control.

   Just told my dog "Don't walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don't.

   Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome

   an earthquake on valentines night....somewhere someone thinks they were great in bed to their lover for a perfect ending on the holiday

   Feeling pretty bad right now for the boyfriends whose girlfriends are on their period today. #HappyValentinesDay

   Happy Valentine's Day...this statement just costs me $1.50 per word...thanks Hallmark Card store...

   Happy unimaginative, consumerist-oriented and entirely arbitrary, manipulative and shallow interpretation of romance day.

   I am glad I was rejected for the past six months, I didn't have to buy some ungrateful biotch flowers.

   If you're ever asked: do you think my baby is cute, at least it's healthy is not the answer. . .

   Look at it like this, if you're single than you saved money today. . .

   "You're very welcome" -Dexter

   With the 50 new profile choices for gender identity on Facebook, why can't I select "straight male"?

   My ex sent me a Valentine's Day card! I'd go give her a hug, but it says that I'm not allowed to go within 500 feet of her.

   Today I'm wearing my new underwear, On the front it reads "I would do anything for love" and the back says "But I wont do that"...

   I don't think women like flowers, they just like seeing how dumb men are "this guy is actually spending money to buy a plant we won't eat?"