Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The secret of enjoying a good wine:1)Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.2)if it does not look like it's breathing give it mouth-to_mouth

   Civilized people dont kill each other with gun's anymore.They kill each other by uploading vacation pictures on Facebook!.

   I'm giving my ex-wife roses for Valentine's day to remind her that she's still a thorn in my side

   For men who think.."A women's place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that's where the Knives are kept!

   if you are in a male same sex marraige, do both guys forget to buy a Valentines Gift

   I just saw a man reading a book, so I'm basically an archeologist now.

   I hate when my mom tells people I'm 391 months old.

   At my job interview today the guy said, "You're shaking, don't be so nervous." So I told him, "Oh, I'm not nervous, I'm an alcoholic."

   I can't believe I haven't ruined somebody's day yet.

   "I'll take a Shirley Temple" - God

   You can never rule out the possibility that someone in your life is dead and you've been getting Weekend-at-Bernie'ed.

   heard the illuminati were accepting resume

   Hey husbands, only 2 more days to get your wife a gift for Valentine's Day so she can be less angry at you for about 3 hours.

   The best way to avoid getting fired is to avoid getting hired.

   does the illuminati celebrate their birthday on Facebook?

   Coffee is that one friend who believes in you and always wants you to succeed.

   Of course she won the argument. She cried. - every guy ever

   she took off her sock & it looked like a pack of black & mild

   I overheard an old dude at the bar tell the bartender not to put ice in his drink because 'you'll bruise the scotch' Changed my life.

   i became a resentful, self centered, science freak egomaniac by joining atheist mingle