Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've lived with demons. I can handle you.

   Aren't you too fat to be this rude?

   If you were a contest, I’d enter you.

   For valentine's day I wrote out a list of 100 ways we can die together.

   Presidents Day is here, when we can celebrate Abraham Lincoln driving all the vampires out of the USA

   Ladies we don't say this often enough but THANK YOU. Thank you for not killing us in our sleep or putting arsenic in our sandwiches. Sincerely MEN.

   Who's up for some curling in my driveway?

   Bye, bye, Miss Alaskan Pie. Rode my Ski-Doo, To the igloo............................... This was a dumb idea, Sorry

   Don't judge a man by how low his pants hang below his ass...just kidding, that's a great reason to judge someone.

   I'm typing this status from my car. Now don't go flipping out, I’m in the passenger seat. It kinda makes it a little harder to drive, yet it fools the cops, so hey...

   There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter

   If you say “Kanye” in the mirror three times, he appears, pushes you over and starts screaming his own name in the mirror.

   Tu pac's of Eminems used to cost 50 cents. Kanye believe it? Isn't that Ludacris? Wil-I-am glad they aren't as cheap now, or I'd be an even bigger Puff Daddy than I already am.

   ATTENTION : All position for stupid people in my life ,have been filled ,no more applicants need apply. Thank You !

   Valentine Day weekend is over. I think Helen Keller plays the role of cupid in my love life.

   Bob Costas' eyes went down on Ludmila Pachinko.

   Idiots who have lift kits on their trucks and have over 22 inch rims use Axe on their tires.

   DOCTORS WRITING: "﹏﹏ ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏." HOW I SEE IT: "∮₪₮￦￡." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Damn Aspirin."

   I dont drink these days. I am Allergic to alcohol and Narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.

   Paul Walker dies in a car crash and the snake handling preacher dies from a snake bite. If I was Miley Cyrus I wouldn't go around any construction sites