Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

   When I was young I was taught to fear and hate the devil. Now that I'm older and know better, His name is BeeR

   What sense of getting parrot and not teaching it to say. Hello, it's me Jimmy Hoffa, I was turned into a parrot send help...

   Why buy sex when you can lease it in a relationship. . .

   If you're fighting for bum sex, you probably can't even spell the name a disease or bad microbe.

   If you heard it from a friend, who heard it from a friend, who heard it from another, then that information might of come from the same person that was in that REO Speedwagon song.

   Claiming that someone else's marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a doughnut because you're on a diet.

   Ask yourself what you would do for one more day with the ones you've lost and then do those things for the ones you still have.

   Excuse me dear, but don't you have a date with a coma?

   Sleep with me so I can put my freezing feet on you and probably take all of the covers and use you as a pillow. - WOMEN

   If a woman doesn't a have a fb profile pic...better you should spend 6 hours with your face buried in Governor Christie's a$$, than a half hour with her on a dinner date.

   Head Lines in the News today. Philip Seymour Hoffman died of acute mixed drug intoxication. I am not mocking his death or anything, but no matter how weeds I mix and smoke is not going to kill me. . .

   If the animals are doing it, it must be the right thing - homo logic

   I live by my father's motto: "Life is a football game. Try to fall asleep in the first quarter and complain if anyone shuts off the TV."

   Due to a Recommended Daily Allowance misprint I've been consuming 12 pounds of magnesium every day since 1988.

   Uptight, dumb chick litmus test. Send her a Poke. If she gets overly offended, don't bother going any further.

   Owning a car is having a friend you can scream inside of.

   ask your doctor if medical advice from a commercial is right for you.

   I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh*t, I want you to as well.

   5 Stages of Life: 1. Just a kid. 2. Don’t want to be a kid. 3. Afraid you’re still a kid. 4. Definitely not a kid. 5. Wish you were a kid.