Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who are you going to believe - me, a husband and father with no criminal record, or some fancy HD security footage from Victoria's Secret?

   I'm fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.

   Don't blame me for your issues. Your seat on the crazy train was reserved long before you met me.

   Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.

   I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.

   I'm married, but not "pass up the opportunity to sleep with Scarlett Johansson" married. Or Jessica Alba Or Beyonce. Or Jennifer Aniston...

   If you're looking for me to be more tasteful and tender, marinate me in whiskey.

   I want to be the reason you cry when you see a happy couple.

   Spelling is not my best subject but I'm great at meth

   Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: No idea, I'm not black.

   What if they make a movie about Leo’s life and how he couldn’t win an Oscar, and the dude who plays Leo wins an Oscar…AWKWARD!

   I wonder who vodka helped me insult last night.

   I wonder what Rick Astley is going to give up for Lent?

   I was watching what I thought was a documentary on Hindu Gods; they featured that strange one that looks like a bizarre elephant. Turns out it was a Rosie O'Donnell interview.

   Yes it's unseaonally cold. But let's keep in mind those people in Niamey that are currently dealing with a 99 degree temperature.

   I've joined the National Exaggerators Club, 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 members and growing.

   The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won't need to adjust her driving.

   I hear there is a job opening at the Bit-coin Company.

   I replaced hating everything with Justin Beiber. . .

   When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.