Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   America invades a country and everyone starts flipping out, Russia invades Ukraine and no one says a word.

   I have white friends, but not " Excuse me Sir. You dropped your wallet." white friends.

   I have been drinking a lot of wine and crying a lot lately and I blame my feminine side for this.

   When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then sell it and use the profits to by a gun. See if life makes the same mistake twice.

   Speaking of lent some of you mofos owe me money

   For lent I'm giving up sex, wait I'm not catholic. Whoa, that was close

   I'm beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.

   Why do people insist on riding your front bumper going to work? Yeah, like they are going to get to where they're going any faster....

   I gave up organized religion for lent a long time ago...

   Props to Rahm Emanuel for doing the Polar Plunge.....now it's time for him to do the Pothole Plunge

   I can't honestly think of one funny p0st you have ever contributed here.

   So many girls are in a relationship with single guys.

   A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.

   It's like my wife didn't even TRY to clean the house while I went out to play poker... I mean, how am I supposed to live like this?

   Men, if you had your choice between brains or b0obs, which cup size do you prefer?

   forget Mardi Gras....for me every Tuesday is a fat Tuesday

   What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

   Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.

   So I am making a bean/corn salad/salsa recipe and it askes for ground cummin. I'm like... uh, eww and then I'm like well I have it and it's free but exactly how do you grind it?

   Hey CHOP, try spelling lessons for lent. . .