Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

   For Sale: Gently used Boeing 777. Everything looks to be there except black box. Comes with like 257 tourists & new rims. No weirdos or checks.

   Apparently when you walk in and your boss is listening to" Sister Christian ".... You AREN'T supposed to ask if it's couples skate only

   THAT'S IT,,, I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN......................... * My Tombstone

   I hate when I comment on someone’s status and they totally misinterpret my comment and I have to explain myself.

   i hate when people think their special and that my p0sts are about them....

   Don't speak unless you can improve the silence.

   A woman`s biggest temptations ~ bags, shoes, & gossips. A man`s biggest temptation ~ a woman !!

   Ladies, telling a man about your menstrual cramps is like…(can someone finish this joke please)

   Coming from someone who writes "a Atlas" #ignorant #anAtlas

   Your check a$$hole light is on.

   Sorry I started a fight in the middle of your parking lot pARtyy- F.Gump

   Don't spoil the Moment by getting busy in taking selfies for Facebook and instagram.

   Being alone with my thoughts always leads to masturbation.

   Behind every great woman is a great behind.

   When her thoughts are dirtier than your thoughts don't ever let her go.

   The ONE true love that makes you a sandwich and forgets that you are gluten intolerant

   If money talks, someone please come translate my bank statements.

   I don’t understand you. You don’t understand me. What else do we have in common?

   Uh-huh...my underwear is!! -my excuse since Kindergarten. #stpattys