Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I slow-clapped your breakup, couple sitting at the table next to me.

   I'm capable of love but i'm also capable of diarrhea so it's back to square one with me

   A good man is really hard to find.. When all you're looking for are the bad ones.

   I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!

   You think your having a bad day until you see someone using a WIC voucher and buying a pregnnancy test at same time.

   Dear Car in Front of Me: I'm not tailgating. I'm drafting.

   Clearly, who ever said "more than a hand full is a waste" never have actually had their hand on more than a hand full.

   I bet the passengers on the missing Malaysian airplane are racking up some serious reward miles, given all of the different directions they've been flying.

   I am sorry I wasn't being completely honest when I said I was normal.

   If by baby you mean dog, then yes I'd love to see pictures of your baby!

   On a scale of 1 to "Get out you're fired" where does napping at work rank?

   hey religion. we've just physically proved the big bang theory. your move...

   I don't need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.

   I want to be loved like white guys love khaki shorts.

   They let an Asian drive the plane?

   What if the Malaysian Plane is in the same place with the G-Spot?

   Really Thailand???? Nobody asked??

   Being 'clean and sober' means I've showered and I'm headed to the liquor store.

   I'm back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.

   Letting people know they're idiots is my religion.