Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just wanted to quickly thank Ashton Kutcher for taking responsibility for Mila Kunis' pregnancy. My wife would have killed me.

   I'll only date you if all my friends and family hate your guts. - girls

   Everything I can't have is overrated... including you.

   Time Warner was voted America’s worst company in an online poll by the blog Consumerist. I have to say, I’m kind of surprised that Time Warner customers were able to get online.

   Customs officials in Europe recently seized a shipment of cocaine that was addressed to the Vatican. Which can only mean that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford just received a giant box of communion wafers.

   You look crazy, here's my ex's number.

   The old saying "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.

   I'll think I'll bring my taser to work today to liven things up a bit.

   I think I was born during the wrong time in history. I woulda been hot as a cavewoman.

   Maybe Aliens have not visited us on earth yet because they're all females and they want us to make the first move.

   But sir, in your bio it is clearly mentioned that you are funny. How then?

   Hey look at me! Hey Stop staring at me weirdo! - women

   So apparently your girlfriend isn't supposed to have an Adams apple. Guess that's why she only wanted an@l.

   No thanks, bodybuilder chicks with clits that look like a baby's pen*s

   ~ Creationisn: Because it's easier to read and believe one book than read several ones based on scientific fact.

   I'm sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can't I do the same for Easter!!!??

   Creationism vs. Darwinism: I love science, yet until they can settle the age old question, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"....I'm siding with Creationism.

   Change your wifi password to blowmefirst, then wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.

   Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should haved died in 1732.

   I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor