Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just watched a new documentary on Discovery. Now I fell bad for the so-so white shark.

   I beat the crap out of the paparazzi who took a selfie pic of me.

   .... Went to McDonalds and ordered a Happy Meal .... didn't work ... still grumpy.

   Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now....THEY KNOW MAPS!!!!

   "Knock Knock! .... "Who's there" . . . .Not the Malaysian airplane pilot

   A gentleman will always hold open the door for a lady. Because, you know...Dat Ass.

   I would probably buy my wife a lot more flowers if they were a plant that I could smoke and get high on once it died and dried out.

   How can I get on one of these disappearing planes?

   It's all fun and games until someone breaks out the portable DNA testing kit.

   I don’t understand ads on p0rn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”

   Thanks for the sex but next time can I participate?

   Researchers in China have developed these things called “smart tags” that stick to containers and change color when food has gone bad. That's in addition to that other thing that changes color when food goes bad — food.

   A selfie where your heart used to be.

   Every time a vending machine eats your dollar that's just Jesus telling you that you're fat.

   Ladies; If you friend zone me you have to at least change clothes in front of me like you would a gay guy. Them are the rules.

   I'm gonna go out on a limb and say Oscar was on his stumps.

   So glad Facebook has changed the layout again!! - Said no one, ever...

   I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I’m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don’t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn't sign up for the position.

   FACT:There is no angry way to say ‘bubbles.’

   I see dead people. No wait, I take that back. I see people I want dead.