Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People glorify being single because you can sleep with anyone you want. In reality you can only sleep with the people who want to sleep with you. That’s a very different number.

   1920: “May I have this dance?” 1950: “Want to go to the drive-in?” 1980: “What’s your sign?” 2014: “Here’s a picture of my dong.”

   Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.

   In regards to the Noah movie: Make sure you take someone with you, I heard they're only selling tickets in pairs...

   How To Get Rich: 1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson...2. Empty it the next day.... 3. Become a millionaire.

   FYI: If a test asks for the capital of North Dakota you can write "who cares" and it won't be marked as incorrect.

   "Dad what's an infinite loop?"..."Ask your mother."... "Mom what's an infinite loop?"... "Ask your father."... "Dad what's an infinite loop?"... "Ask your........

   Do you ever wonder if the lesser known "So-so White Shark" has an inferiority complex?

   *Oprah gets up to do Harvard's commencement speech*... And you get a diploma and you get a diploma and you get a diploma and you get a diploma

   DIET HACK: You can use flour tortillas as napkins

   The longer I sit on this bidet at The Olive Garden,,, the more it looks like it's just a sink.

   6 yr old: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?...Me:Umm, I don't know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.

   Haters are like crickets… they make a lot of noise, you can hear them, but you can't see them… when you walk right by them, they suddenly get quiet.

   Haters are like crickets… they make a lot of noise, you can hear them, but you can't see them… when you walk right by them, they suddenly get

   it's time to diet now. Even the shoelaces are getting to small.

   Oh, how I love being awake at stupid o'clock

   Did't have time to hit the gym today. That'll be.. let me see.. 6 years in a row.

   On a scale of 1 to a weatherman,,, how good are you at lying?

   "Racism makes as much sense as saying I don't want that gift because of the color of the wrapping paper" and it was ugly and they clung and they were stalker.

   According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was