Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *Oprah gets up to do Harvard's commencement speech*... And you get a diploma and you get a diploma and you get a diploma and you get a diploma

   DIET HACK: You can use flour tortillas as napkins

   The longer I sit on this bidet at The Olive Garden,,, the more it looks like it's just a sink.

   6 yr old: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?...Me:Umm, I don't know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.

   Haters are like crickets… they make a lot of noise, you can hear them, but you can't see them… when you walk right by them, they suddenly get quiet.

   Haters are like crickets… they make a lot of noise, you can hear them, but you can't see them… when you walk right by them, they suddenly get

   it's time to diet now. Even the shoelaces are getting to small.

   Oh, how I love being awake at stupid o'clock

   Did't have time to hit the gym today. That'll be.. let me see.. 6 years in a row.

   On a scale of 1 to a weatherman,,, how good are you at lying?

   "Racism makes as much sense as saying I don't want that gift because of the color of the wrapping paper" and it was ugly and they clung and they were stalker.

   According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was

   I bet the person who invented lunges was really just some dude adjusting his baIIs

   If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some single women have more than one baby daddy?

   Your hair smells like it wants pulling.

   It's ok to admit when you're wrong. Just don't tell anyone.

   Hell hath no fury like a woman misunderstood.

   Party like your intervention is tomorrow.

   first day of spring break and I have f all to do

   why does the drive-thru ATM have braille?....what blind person is driving a car?