Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there's a pill available for it.

   Ladies; you’re all crazy and men are idiots. You just need to find the idiot that matches your crazy.

   There is a special place in hell for idiots who bring babies to the movie house.

   I got some new underwear. Well, new to me

   Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.

   Well, I've officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.

   A thief broke into my house last night searching for ‘Money’ …. I joined him in the search.

   My ex asked me to buy her a birthday present. I bought her a coffin to let her know she is dead to me.

   Just read 'Everybody Poops' but I'm still skeptical.

   "I'm dreaming of a white...easter," said no one EVER!

   Why did the Conjoined Twins move to England? So the other one could drive.

   People glorify being single because you can sleep with anyone you want. In reality you can only sleep with the people who want to sleep with you. That’s a very different number.

   1920: “May I have this dance?” 1950: “Want to go to the drive-in?” 1980: “What’s your sign?” 2014: “Here’s a picture of my dong.”

   Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.

   In regards to the Noah movie: Make sure you take someone with you, I heard they're only selling tickets in pairs...

   How To Get Rich: 1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson...2. Empty it the next day.... 3. Become a millionaire.

   FYI: If a test asks for the capital of North Dakota you can write "who cares" and it won't be marked as incorrect.

   "Dad what's an infinite loop?"..."Ask your mother."... "Mom what's an infinite loop?"... "Ask your father."... "Dad what's an infinite loop?"... "Ask your........

   Do you ever wonder if the lesser known "So-so White Shark" has an inferiority complex?

   *Oprah gets up to do Harvard's commencement speech*... And you get a diploma and you get a diploma and you get a diploma and you get a diploma