Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing worse than meeting the right person at the wrong time in your life.

   Why are flies always rubbing their hands together? What are you up to? ANSWER ME INSECT

   I've always been doubtful of girl cashiers' s-anity in shops. Some Inva-der poor opp-ortunist ra-ts!

   The worst part of getting your Smart Car Tipped is probably trying to win enough Chuck E. Cheese tickets to get another one.....

   Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?

   Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money's worth... Just saying.

   My mom is so bad at texting. She meant to say "I love you" and she accidentally sent "You're a huge disappointment"... lol parents can't text

   🎶Sweet dreams are made of cheese/ Who am I to diss a Brie/ Cheddar the world and the Feta Cheese/ Ev'rybody's lookin for Stilton🎶

   PRO TIP: The easiest way to kill off mice in your house is to leave tiny motorcycles everywhere but no helmets.

   Single moms be like, "yo daddy was on the plane!"

   My dog said "woof" so I said "woof" & now I'm afraid of what I may have agreed to.

   Note to self: If you come home after work and your wife greets you saying she got a massive pay raise from her boss at work, remember to not kiss her on the lips.

   I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself. "Well this changes everything"

   If by "brighten your life" you mean I set you on fire than yes I here to brighten your life!

   The only time I'll ever need an intervention is if they name a beer after it.

   Bail me out of jail, so I know it's real

   At what point does the amount of abnormal in your life become so great that abnormal is your new normal?

   I'd like to be more than just friends... how about enemies?

   McDonald's announced that it has closed its three restaurants in Crimea because of the tension in the region. Then Putin said, “Is good to hear. Even I don't have weapon as destructive as McRib.”

   I decided to weigh myself this morning when the scale said "Lo". I was ready to get all excited when I realized it just mean the battery! Ugh!!!