Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God has given you one face, and you make yourself another with your drawn eyebrows, fake eyelashes and 2kilos of make up.　- William Shakespeare

   Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. now I'm older I like mine in the bottle

   A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'

   "WHAT DO WE WANT?"... FEWER QUESTIONS... "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?"... GODDAMNIT DAVE, WE'RE SERIOUS

   1964:"Remember kids," As our youth basketball coach said, "there's no "i" in team.".. "Not yet," whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, ".. not yet."

   Wait?.. If being vegetarian is SO good for you, how come you don't have the energy to shave your armpits?

   When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

   youre a doll you are flawless, I just cant wait for love to destroy us

   You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.

   If you have never fantasized about murdering me you've never been my girlfriend.

   My holy water needs a bottle opener.

   Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.

   There were only 3 commandments until Moses' wife got involved.

   My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I'm going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

   Sorry I buried the hatchet in your face.

   Offering chewing gums to kids whose parents can't control them

   It's like these fools at the gym have never seen a girl with roller skates on the treadmill before.

   When starting a new relationship it's important to remember that someone already screwed them up for you.

   "911, what's your emergency?" "DO ANIMALS NAME THEIR BABIES?"

   Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a freak.