SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   My greatest contribution to most situations is just not making it worse.

   So "Linsanity" no longer refers to Lindsay Lohan but Jeremy Lin? What if they start dating, what then? The Adventures of LinLin?

   If all this phony enthusiasm persists, there will be severe exclamation point shortages by 2028.

   "Going commando" can refer to not wearing underpants, rescuing Alyssa Milano from terrorists, or preferably both at once.

   The only thing I don't like about my job is that it doesn't involve wearing a whistle around my neck at all times.

   "Try again, dumbass" - the little red line under your misspelled word

   If Target sends you coupons for rope, garbage bags, and bleach, abort the mission. They know too much.

   My kitchen is starting to look like a middle school science fair.

   They say the more you drink the higher your tolerance is, but that's bullsh!t because my friend's an alcoholic & he still hates gays.

   My fake ID's finally ready. Can't wait to order off the kids' menu!!

   Some people can stop rocking. I, however, am not one of them.

   What's that thing that's like Photoshop except way easier to use and it's for real life? Oh yeah, vodka.

   6:37am. Out of duct tape AND ether. Plan aborted. For now.

   I'm getting physical therapy for my back. I bet Spider-Man never has to get physical therapy for his back. I hate not being Spider-Man. :(

   Today was so horrible I want to buy a picture of Calvin peeing on it to put on my vehicle.

   A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he's naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

   Just got back from Sam's Club - got a great new electric piano, 19 pack of BBQ lighters, and an impulse kayak - damn forgot milk!

   As I've gotten older, my answer to any problem, more and more, is "burn it down".

   I can't believe no one likes my show idea about a bunch of undead bathroom remodelers called “The Caulking Dead”.

   It sucks at first when squirrels get into your house but then it turns out they're pretty fun to watch TV with.