Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   The bladder: Nature's alarm clock. Snooze button not as reliable, though

   I am a responsible worker. When anything goes wrong, the boss says I'm responsible for it.

   What happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas. It ends up on Facebook.

   Just letting my mind wander since it won't stop and ask for directions.

   Political speeches are like bull horns. A point here. A point there. And a lot of bull in between.

   ..thinks a toaster should give some sort of an indication when it's going to pop instead of scaring the crap out of me when it does!!

   A dress is like a barbed wire fence. It protects the premises without obstructing the view.

   I've managed to avoid around 50 April fools jokes this morning. However, I've now lost my job on the emergency sevices desk.

   I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who was wearing Uggs.

   My cosmetic surgery might have gone wrong but I'm smiling on the inside.

   I'm what you might call an "incurable romantic". Although that's not the term they use at the Free Clinic.

   Get away from me! What am i? Flypaper for freaks?

   How can you tell if your chocolate Easter bunny is male or female? Bite it's head off. If it's hollow,it's a male.

   My mate told me that she was having nothing to do with me anymore because she was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail.

   I'm a "person of interest"? Well,thank you very much, Officer.

   Bananosecond, n.; Time elapsed between slipping on the peel and hitting the pavement.

   LIE: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.

   It felt good to turn my lights out yesterday for Earth Day. On hindsight,i probably shouldn't have been driving at the time.

   You're my nothing. Why? Because nothing lasts forever.

   How many mimes have died because no one believed they were choking..