santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   Just a reminder: Walmart will be closed on Christmas Day so both cashiers can be with their families.

   Christmas and Thanksgiving should be at least 6 months apart. It's insane to see these people again so soon. Absurd.

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1984.

   How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh? Nothing it’s on the house!

   If anyone’s wondering what to get me this year all I want for Christmas is summer.

   Not a lot of great things listed in Craigslist free section today. Unless any of you guys would like a slightly used mattress for Christmas?

   Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don't work and the other half aren't so bright.

   Walmart is giving away free Christmas decorations as long as you can outrun security.

   Fair warning: If I see anybody wearing a Santa Claus hat before Thanksgiving I'm going to give them a wedgie, whether I know them or not.

   It's finally November! That means it's time I get to start saying the two words everybody wants to hear: Merry Christmas!

   I’d like to be the first to wish you all a very merry Christmas

   Don’t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.

   My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just took it.

   It’s safe to unplug your Christmas lights until next year.

   If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas!

   The ghosts from A Christmas Carol are the scariest, because they show you what people are saying about you behind your back.

   Ah yes, it's that wonderful time of year between Christmas and New Years that I like to call "The Festive Perineum".

   Dear Santa! Listen here! I'll keep eating my deer jerky while you give me what I want for Christmas or Rudolph is next. Make it happen fat man!

   Joe exotic was going to do a Christmas song, But he hates carols

   I try my best to be a thoughtful husband. So, I'm gonna surprise my wife with a new bag and belt for Christmas ! The old vacuum cleaner is gonna run like new now .