Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   religion? um, ha, no. i'm not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. 

   On a scale from 1 to 420.. How much Easter candy are you eating right now?

   Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?

   A little known fact from the Bible is that between his resurrection and his ascension into heaven, Jesus ate nothing but brains.

   Easter falls on 4/20 this year...... Easter Bunny is going to have completely different grass in his basket!

   So if Jesus sees his shadow when he comes out of his cave can we finally have spring?

   The only rabbit I like on Easter is the one that's plastic and vibrates

   Going to the movies to watch Oculus today like the good lord intended

   The whole resurrecting from the dead thing is too hard for kids to grasp. Egg sh*tting bunny? Yeah lets go with the egg sh*tting bunny.

   On Easter Sunday when Jesus came forth from the tomb and ascended into heaven he was technically moving back in with his parents.

   God isn't the problem. The problem is his fan club.

   There is a thick line between ok sex and awesome sex.

   I hope when Jesus comes out of his cave, he sees his shadow so we can finally have spring.

   Past mistakes are meant to guide you, not get her pregnant.

   .... Happy Easter!!! ... BTW it's also 4-20 ... so it's also Easter Bowl Sunday!

   I'm pretty sure the dirty looks your wife gives you are not the looks you married her for.

   “B*tch don't kill my vibe” – me talking to my phone battery.

   5 inches = 12.7 cm American men, NOW do you want to switch to the metric system?

   My dirty mind gets me into trouble, my body often joins in.

   How strong am I?...hmm, Is Whiskey a level?