Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Miley Cyrus I'll with allergic reaction:-CNN.. CNN, dude.. who cares about her?

   I live for this sh*t - People that don't understand biology

   Just glad Jesus died on a Friday Good Monday just doesn't 'roll' off the tongue as well

   My wife has decided to get a nose job. Unfortunately, the rest of her hasn't got a job to pay for it.

   I hate when reality happens outside of my head.

   Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?

   Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and p orn collection.

   Well I was wrong about what I thought a Herpetologist is.

   Was just talking to my 9 year old nephew. When I asked him what he was up to, he said he was on another phone with his girlfriend. I'm going to ask him for some dating advice.

   You had me at, "Why do people keep asking me,what kind meds am I on?"

   Your fingers or mine? - LESBIANS

   Oh...wow, my wife gives great hand jobs while she's sleeping.

   Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me

   I text back embarrassingly fast or three days later there is no in-between.

   I just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.

   Dinosaurs deserved it.

   How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?

   knock knock.. who's there? Daisy. Daisy who?? Daisy me rollin, they hatin

   Easter this Sunday....The one day where I can say "I am putting all my EGGS in one basket!

   Question of the day: If somebody threw a rock and knocked you off your donkey would be considered stoned of your a$$?