Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when I'm trying to make money and someone greases the stripper pole.

   The quickest way to a man's heart is to saw through the thoracic cage of ribs and sternum, and then penetrate the pericardium

   I am a woman, hear me sharpen my claws.

   Let's just call a restraining order what it really is......a challenge

   Damn are you a library book because you're old and slightly damaged but I'm still going to check you out.

   Getting married is easy, staying married is hard. Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

   Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.

   Expect nothing and you'll be impressed every day.

   No "It's not complicated". One of you is just a dumbass.

   I brought my M16 in the house the other day and my father asked me what I was so afraid of, I answered "the d$mn Decepticons" I laughed, my dad laughed, the toaster laughed , I shot the toaster...

   Administrative Professionals Day is the best way to find out who doesn't know they're an administrative professional.

   Sorry I yelled GET A ROOM when your grandma was hugging your grandpa's coffin.

   I will follow anybody that's going to the liquor store.

   Civilian justice: just saw a beautiful female cop make an illegal lane change, so I pulled her over and threw her in my dungeon.

   To women over 40, a guy with a belly and a sense of humor is a great catch. A guy who's buff is considered a narcissist and a pole-smoker.

   After random power outages happened throughout the city due to maintanence, thousands of city residents lined up to pay overdue electricity bills....well played Houston....well played

   Sometimes I just want the UFC commentator to be like "Personally, I think he's trying to f cuk him...but I'm no expert, Joe."

   "The world is full of nice people. If you can't find one, be one!"

   Wrigley Field... this joke speaks for itself.

   Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.