Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it's true... time wounds all heels.

   Jameis Winston did NOT steal those crab legs intentionally. He is so into football, that he felt sorry for the shellfish, and merely thought he would do the right thing by putting them on injured reserve.

   When I see a fender bender in traffic, I like to run over and cover myself with a bloody sheet and lay beside the road just to give the passing traiffic a show.

   To this day, the girl who used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, she makes great Subway sandwiches

   Pro death penalty - If you don't value other people's lives, why the hell should they value yours?

   "It was consensual, the crab legs wanted to be stolen"~~Jamies Winston's attorney...

   I'm really sorry that I haven't been around for the past few days. I've been out collecting money to buy a basketball team. So far, I've got $47.62 in checks, $2.50 in change, an IOU for $5, a Canadian penny and a button. I'm getting really excited

   Difficult to call it a "botched execution" unless he suffered longer than his victim.

   Just made a batch of my super spicy 3 jalapeno chili. MILF! And by MILF I mean Man I Love to Fart!!

   I think I'm going to change my kids' middle names to "DANGER" just so they can tell people Danger is their middle name...YEAH BABY!!

   Donald Sterling said to be confused as to why Jameis Winston would steal crab legs and not fried chicken.

   Jameis Winston will appear on the covers of both EA Sports "NCAA Football '14" AND "Grand Theft Crustacean."

   Your yoga pants just say OUTSTRETCHED.

   Being straight means sexualizing some unusual inanimate objects, particularly beer bubbles and mops.

   Moral compass? Is there an app for that?

   So they will not be changing the name to the LA cotton clippers? Shooo! That was close. That could have turned alot of shirts inside out.

   I don't have the blood alcohol level to deal with you

   Okla. killer dies after botched execution. How long did it take his victim to die after being shot and buried alive?

   I hate it when chicks wear pink camo.I'm like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?

   I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...