Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are people that smoke weed and sit around on the couch all day called Baked Potatoes?

   Porn Hub has pledged to plant a new tree for every hundred videos viewed on its site. The amount of tissue paper I get through, I'm still not sure that's environmentally sustainable.

   Maury Povich is married to Connie Chung. Do you think before sex he sings Wang Chung tonight?

   I do not need to be reminded it's the 5th of May in a different language. . .

   recovering from this long work day with my friend, Char...donnay!

   I don't get why any woman stays single. You would think they would get married so they can let themselves go.

   Anybody know the phone number where I can buy a couple of those Nigerian girls?

   This cat poop tastes like I'm about to get yelled at. -- Dogs

   So far,,, I've spent 300% of this week exaggerating.

   liverpool u've never been this close, but that crystal comeback was sensational reminds of liverpool vs ac millan

   "I don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo" - Said no Juan ever

   Few people know this but Cinco de Mayo is actually about a ship full of mayonnaise that sank off the coast of Mexico.

   The friend suggestions? If you're bored and got nothing better to do in the night, start rating them and give 'em grades on their inbox. Once you get a reply, tell 'em it wasn't you, but what looking at their dps turned your mood clock into.#Blametheweed

   Oh it's Cinco de Mayo....that's why I keep seeing cars with 22 people inside back through a red light with a traffic cam, family portraits!!

   James Bond's favorite bartender is Michael J Fox.

   Today some celebrate Cinco de Mayo, but not me! ..Today I celebrate "International Overindulgence of Alcohol Day"! "May a Fifth be with you!"

   Not to brag but Ive never had a one night stand ...they always come back for more

   I bet you'd have less haters if you could make it through a day without talking about having haters.

   My Beard wants to do cardio between your legs..

   The lower middle-class is the new black