Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

   Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.

   If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

   If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.

   Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pri.ck

   The new “Godzilla” movie opened worldwide yesterday. They say New York City could survive a Godzilla attack. Seriously? It takes five cops to handle Alec Baldwin when he's riding his bike the wrong way

   I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, ‘what do you have to tell me?’ he said, ‘I don’t know, never made it this far

   I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.

   A bunch of empty beer cans is called calling in sick tomorrow.

   I'm the life of the party after I pass out.

   A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they're not too happy.

   Me: Siri, explain women. Siri: sorryyy I'm hdgjbj malfunctioning jdji?!!%&%$###?! *EXPLODES*

   Brush your teeth before you complain.

   My worst fear is meeting my match.

   I just found out c.ock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.

   It's not fair how easy it is for kid to make kool aid these days.

   Ok I put a staple in my finger today. Don't do that. Its not give birth pain but its like shooting heroin without the tingle.

   I was going to stop drinking but hydration is super important. I'm doing this format wrong, aren't I?

   Thinking of starting a male version of the Red Hat Society. Come be a Purple Helmet with me, guys!

   Just spilled an entire beer in the shower. -viewing today from 6 to 8.