Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage: I gave sex up for this?

   *Sees window of opportunity... *Cleans it.

   Doc: I have good news and bad news. Me: Bad news first Doc: The bad news is you're dying. Me: And the good news? Doc: The wifi is back up.

   P0rnhub will only let you watch 5 videos on your phone. That's why I have 6 phones.

   Once you've made a person feel like they don't matter, they'll leave you alone, but they'll never forget.

   Really, Fresh Prince's mother? One little fight and you ship him across the continent? You won't get a "#1 Mom" mug from me, I assure you.

   Manipulating people for your own gain is wrong. Please like if you agree.

   I'm so stoned........ It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light. Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

   How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.

   During the week your FB wall rivals p0rn sites but on sunday it's suddenly transformed into a religious shrine.

   Not only am I saying I am out of your league, but we don't even play the same sport.

   Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.

   When you are dead, you don't know you are dead but other people do. It's the same when you are stupid.

   Him: I'd like to get into your pants. Her: No thanks, one a$$hole in here is enough.

   "If it wasn't for my faults, I haven't had wisdom today." But, it shouldn’t give you an opportunity to commit more.

   "If it wasn't for my faults, I haven't had wisdom today." But unfortunately you're still idiot.

   So if TEBOWING is dropping to 1 knee, then I assume dropping to 2 knees would be considered SAMMING?

   Another Saturday night alone. I plan on jerking off into a sock then crying myself to sleep...

   I am sorry for what I said when I was....... Drunk, naked and horny while laying on your front lawn.

   I would probably enjoy rough sex a lot more if I wasn't always alone.