Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......

   Which wine pairs best with murderous rage?

   50 shades of can't stop drinking.

   Dating tip: Never let your girlfriend know you’re good at something you hate doing.

   Just read that Kate Upton is an heir to a billion dollar fortune... Finally a reason to date her...

   Apparently it's Monday today and it's sunny outside. Thanks everyone for that invaluable piece of information

   Two silkworms raced each other. They ended in a tie.

   It would have been more realistic if that Michael Jackson hologram last night touched a few little little boys in the front row.

   I went to Walmart twice today. Once for groceries. Once because I just wanted to feel pretty but didn't want to get out of my pajamas.

   My favorite part of a date is when he walks her to the door and kisses her goodnight and I cry in my car watching

   I could be an Olympics commentator because I’m good at pointing and saying, “You can tell she wants it.”

   I don’t have a problem with idiots… I have a problem with the fact they they have an internet connection.

   I disagree, but I respect your right to be stupid

   I don’t know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.

   Just went down to get my driver’s license renewed but this time I made sure I was drunk for the picture. Now if I ever get pulled over for drunk driving, they’ll just think I’m spastic.

   If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.

   California a maltese dog cost around $1000, You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a drink.

   Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”

   Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.

   I call my bedroom ‘the place where the magic happens’ because it’s where I make my self-respect disappear.