Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife's clothes.

   In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.

   If you love someone set them free, if they don't come back hunt them down and beat the snot out of them.

   If you love someone set them free, if they don't come back, txt them when your drunk...

   Just when you start to feel like you're #1, God throws a blue turtle shell.

   There's a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

   As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".

   Curing cancer. That's what you better do with all that free time you're saving up by spelling you "u".

   When you're compl-aining about busy strangers staring at their cellphones- instead of you-, I’ll call you an idle attention $eeker wh0rre chi-ld.

   I think Ciabatta is just Italian for stale.

   You have to admit it. Every once in a while you say "Open Sesame" while walking up to an automatic door.

   Please just put it in the fridge.... We'll throw it away next week.

   Well, well, well...look who's come crawling back,,, asking me to repair the tire on their wheelchair.

   there, Ebay password changed........Forgot it already!

   You think she's hot?you should of seen the one that got away.

   Kim and Kanye did something today, not sure what, but it was all ove rthe news.

   This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik's Cube. If you kids don't know what a Rubik's Cube is, it's what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones.

   It wasn't weird until you expected me to act normal.

   Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith are under investigation by CPS, Sounds like someones about to go live with their auntie and uncle in Bel Air..

   The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the stong, but that's the way to bet.