Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pretty sure I'll pet an owl before I have sex again.

   If you're feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.

   I learned how to kiss from watching my dog drink from the garden hose.

   Say what you want about Canada but they successfully got rid of Justin Bieber.

   If you drink enough alcohol, stairs become an extreme sport.

   Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?

   Behind every husband is a wife, saying "You're gonna wear that?", "Did you do those things yet?", "Are we lost?", "Are you listening to me?"

   it a natural defense mechanism for men to watch TV with a hand down their pants? In case we kick you in the nuts for hogging the remote?

   If you have to ask if the sex was good... It wasn't.

   It's bad manners to ask someone how many people they've murdered.

   You'll never realise how nice some people are until they need something.

   Women like men who are emotionally available. Write that down.

   Babies are a receipt that you've had sex..

   I don't expect you to read my mind, you'll know how I feel when I set your stuff on fire.

   I don't blame you. I would spank me too.

   Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can't think of a good reply"?

   Got my Soap & Shampoo and am patiently awaiting the meteor shower.

   Oscar Wilde's last words were, "Either that wallpaper goes or I go."

   Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

   Call me traditional, but marriage should stay between a woman afraid of being alone & a man who finally caves after years of her pressure.