Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I'm bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...

   I am hoping on game of thrones when Daenerys Targaryen's dragons get older they magically turn into Puff and it all goes cartoon.

   Bowe Bergdahl’s father looks like that Duck Dynasty guy.

   When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…

   Daenerys Targaryen is such an overrated character "ohh look at me I have dragons" you know who else had a Dragon Rubeus Hagrid.

   "You can't give the World to someone who's only ready for the city"

   They came out with a GPS device for bird watchers that has tern by tern directions.

   This milk is so far past it's expiration date I'm only gonna have a small slice.

   I bet Shaquille O'neil hates to sign anything, "Love,Shaq".....because the B52s pretty much ruined that for him...

   If I ever die I want to be buried in my refrigerator in case I wake up and want pudding.

   Apparently sticking gum in a girl's hair no longer counts as flirting.

   My biggest fear is that some day my wife will find all the ice cubes I've kicked under the fridge.

   Aliens watching our media must assume we are being implored to show allegiance to our ruler, a mysterious entity named "Geico."

   Told my son, If you hit a game-ending home run it just seems polite to go ahead and pick up the bases as you go around.

   I once dated an amputee,,,, She single-handedly changed my life.

   You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of chicken.

   Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 4 things wrong at once

   Just layed on my horn for 39 seconds at the slow driver in front of me before realizing he was the last car of a funeral procession.

   Canadians aren't as polite as everyone thinks. In fact they're pretty gangster. Today, for instance, I witnessed a drive-by apology.

   Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?