Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; for your sake, I hope the beholder is blind.

   im feeling so empty.. (after pooping)

   Fire Brad Ausmus, it's never ok to joke about beating women

   Of course I believe in the Zodiac.... I'm a Leo and I love the movie Titanic...if that's not convincing enough, my grandmother is a cancer.......and she was killed by a giant lobster.

   some people can make the world a better place by putting a shotgun in thier mouths.

   Who needs charm to captivate a woman when duct tape is so cheap?

   There's no I in team, but there a P in punch you in the mouth.

   'I'm wearing yoga pants', is the new 'I'm not wearing any panties'

   The reason why I have trust issues is because there are fat vegans.

   If you figure me out I want an explanation.

   What I lack in charm, I make up for in confused awkwardness

   Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?

   And then God created the Middle East and said 'let there be terrorism and war'.

   I've had relationships that didn't last as long as The Undertaker's Wrestlemania entrance.

   Usually chocolate makes me hyper but my dog ate a pack of Snickers and he’s been asleep for hours. Haha wake up so we can play, little guy.

   I wish I was excited about anything as much as Jim Ross was to see a Stone Cold Stunner.

   AGENT: OK so this role is abou- NICOLAS CAGE: I'll do it.

   Get your mind out of the gutter. It's blocking my view.

   Sorry I vomited all over your inspirational status.

   Just when you think you have her, that is when you aren't even close