Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to throw hostesses off by shooting back at them with, "Do I look Native American?" after they ask me if I have a reservation.

   Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn't made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.

   My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.

   Those of you who like food pictures, have you never been in a supermarket?

   Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.

   If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

   Obama 'I don't believe military intervention in Syria is the right move for America at this moment'.. In other News..No oil found in Syria

   I died for your sins. Now suck my ding dong! -Jesus

   [Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper] "Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?"

   My safe word is, "gross"

   Excuse me sir; you left your weird Jesus pamphlet on your bus seat. Oh yeah? Well here's a revelation for you: that's called littering.

   I just went to the sperm bank but I left. Too many jerkoffs.

   I know what you did 23 summers ago - Women

   We have great chemistry and amazing physics.

   Justin Bieber has changed his name, at least on Instagram, to "Bizzle" apparently in order to up his "street cred". Why can't Bieber just up his street cred like rappers do and get shot?

   Justin Beiber's publicist reports that Justinwant to change his name to "Bizzle" to increase his street cred. However music industry insiders say his new name will more than likely be "Justinutha Lonelynizzle"

   Making the cats chase the laser pointer. Re-establishing who is boss, for now.

   All women have at least one pair of jeans in their closet that’s trying to kill them.

   ‪#‎TBT‬ 1990's: Street lights are on; belts off. get your ass home!

   If it isn't one damn thing after another, it's the same damn thing over and over again.