Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i cant believe that cop put me in the backseat when I clearly called shotgun

   my friends think there is something wrong with me, where's all the funny stuff?

   My safe word is "the c0ndom broke".

   This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything

   If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.

   PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.

   Throwing your cat at the intruder & shouting release the hounds does nothing for,,,,,,,, A) Your property... B) Your cat... C) Both...

   I hear boomerangs are making a comeback

   Watching the kids play hide and seek in the park,,, and mine just hid behind a chain link fence.. at least I don't have to save for college

   As an adult, true confidence can only be measured by taking a dump, and doing ONE no look wipe and walking away with a smile on your face. Period.

   A company in Japan says it will start selling human-like robots that can babysit your children. That story again: Japan is making a robot that can turn on a TV.

   Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

   My sister just walked in from the pool wearing her new bathing suit...a dyed black parachute.

   If your other half is being cold, try setting them on fire, it never fails

   The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer. This means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon. Not Bad.

   So last night the spurs beat the heat. Oh and they beat Miami too

   The thing I love about my ex is she didn't take up much space in the trunk.

   I've been waking up with a headache for years Unfortunately I'm married to it.

   This empty wallet looks like I'll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy's awful jokes in a bar tonight.

   Officer: can I see your driver's licence please madam? Me: I have a driver's licence?