Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon i cant believe that cop put me in the backseat when I clearly called shotgun
←Rate | 06-07-2014 11:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon my friends think there is something wrong with me, where's all the funny stuff?
←Rate | 06-07-2014 09:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My safe word is "the c0ndom broke".
←Rate | 06-07-2014 09:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything
←Rate | 06-07-2014 05:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
←Rate | 06-07-2014 00:49 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
←Rate | 06-06-2014 21:32 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Throwing your cat at the intruder & shouting release the hounds does nothing for,,,,,,,, A) Your property... B) Your cat... C) Both...
←Rate | 06-06-2014 21:29 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hear boomerangs are making a comeback
←Rate | 06-06-2014 21:24 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Watching the kids play hide and seek in the park,,, and mine just hid behind a chain link fence.. at least I don't have to save for college
←Rate | 06-06-2014 20:57 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon As an adult, true confidence can only be measured by taking a dump, and doing ONE no look wipe and walking away with a smile on your face. Period.
←Rate | 06-06-2014 19:55 by MAC Comments (0)  


   messageicon A company in Japan says it will start selling human-like robots that can babysit your children. That story again: Japan is making a robot that can turn on a TV.
←Rate | 06-06-2014 16:37 by Mark M Comments (0)  


   messageicon Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
←Rate | 06-06-2014 16:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My sister just walked in from the pool wearing her new bathing suit...a dyed black parachute.
←Rate | 06-06-2014 15:57 by Michael F Comments (0)  


   messageicon If your other half is being cold, try setting them on fire, it never fails
←Rate | 06-06-2014 15:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer. This means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon. Not Bad.
←Rate | 06-06-2014 15:26 by DragonJC Comments (0)  


   messageicon So last night the spurs beat the heat. Oh and they beat Miami too
←Rate | 06-06-2014 14:42 by Caso Comments (0)  


   messageicon The thing I love about my ex is she didn't take up much space in the trunk.
←Rate | 06-06-2014 14:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've been waking up with a headache for years Unfortunately I'm married to it.
←Rate | 06-06-2014 12:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This empty wallet looks like I'll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy's awful jokes in a bar tonight.
←Rate | 06-06-2014 12:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Officer: can I see your driver's licence please madam? Me: I have a driver's licence?
←Rate | 06-06-2014 12:21 Comments (0)  




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