Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   LeBron James just got a new endorsement deal with Midol

   this cocaine cut with flour? Because I'm gluten free and very heath conscious.

   My sex drive is manual

   [Russian class] Um, why did I fail this test? Teacher: You just wrote in English and added "ski" to the end of the words... I knowski.

   Does it count as necrophilia if she's just dead inside?

   This glue seems to have an awful lot of Chrome flakes in it

   I don't like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don't need that kind of pressure.

   Will children of the future be nostalgic about grandpa's Axe Body Spray, fauxhawk and body waxing strips?

   Someone needs to tell all the other horses that its CC's birthday today.

   Would using 2 Sleepy Time Tea bags instead of 1 be conscidered over-medicating? Asking for a friend.

   I guess it's time to face the reality that I just do not want to rock and roll all night. Nor do I wish to party eva-ree day.

   An app that tracks a woman's PMS iMad, if you will.

   sitting here watching "102 Dalmations" & I wonder if Lady Gaga got her fashion sense from Cruella De Vil

   Give me constant mixed messages so I know..............nothing.

   I like you, but not 'get dressed and leave the house to see you', like you.

   Let's be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.

   I have read that men fart more often than women. If this is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per fart.

   What you call a "morning wood" I call "breakfast in bed"

   Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account

   i cant believe that cop put me in the backseat when I clearly called shotgun